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| I hate valentines day. It makes me die inside. A little piece of me is dead. | | |
| I am a disaster. I don't know what happened, but I have totally lost my mind. Actually, I do know what happened...sort of. I know the trigger, but I don't fully understand the underlying reaction. Anyway...I just need to go home. I need to be with people that I KNOW. People that I know care about me. People that I trust. I've learned that I am weird with trust. I give everyone I meet a certain amount of trust when I first meet them. And then, they can either build up, or break down, the trust that I gave them. I'm beginning to see that I should make everyone work for my trust entirely. Otherwise I put too much undeserving trust into random people. I scare myself. It makes me sad. | | |
| I bought a stripper pole for my room and I dyed my hair brown. I'm a changed woman. | | |
| I'm writing this because I have a lot of homework to do. And it's 8:11. And I still haven't started it. So naturally, rather than writing my paper, or reading Aristotle, or one of the many plays I'm required to read, or creating my movement piece, I am writing my first entry since leaving St. Louis.
I realized something the other day. I realized that I've been very very busy here in New York City. I love it here, and I already consider it home. I have no problem saying 'I think I am going to go home' when I am leaving, say, Central Park. And when I am lost (as is often the case) and I finally find Washington Square Park, I have no hesitation in saying 'Finally. I'm home.' However, the busy schedule that I've maintained has successfully kept me from feeling anything. Sadness, Pain, Anger, and most of all, homesickness. I am always energetic or tired. Busy or relaxed. Happy or indifferent. But I'm always doing something. I'm always filling the empty spaces with something.
For the first time a few days ago I sat down in my room and realized something. I was alone. Which was sort of a big deal, because I hadn't been alone in my room for...ever? And I realized I didn't know what to do. So I started to think. And then I realized how much I missed home...my real home, not my new home. And my family. And my friends. And my house. And the movie theater, where you could get a ticket for under $10.00. And the mall, where, as much as I hated my job, I knew it by heart. Well..almost. But mostly, I just missed my family and friends. I miss sitting in my kitchen at the island, reading magazines, and not even noticing when Jill or Lexi let themselves in my house. I miss the way my dad wouldn't even care that they walked in while he was making dinner, he would just ask them if they were joining us, and how much food did they want. I miss the way my brother walked around the house wrapped up in a blanket as though it were a cape. I miss the food...not that it was amazing, but it was better than dorm food for the most part.
I miss having time to remember who I am. And what I'm doing. And seeing clearly. I've always been one to get so absorbed in things that I lose sight of the big picture. I drown. And I can feel myself drowning in New York City. And all my teachers warn us of this, because it's very common among newcomers to the city. It's a big place, filled with lots of energy and noise and people and 'vibrations'. And I've been shrugging them off until now, saying that I adapt well to new things, that I'm made to be a city person, and that I can handle it. And I can handle it. I'm just getting swallowed up right now. But I'm handling it. I promise.
On a brighter note, my classes are fantastic. My studio teachers are brilliant, if not entirely insane. Several of them studied with Stella Adler herself. They are geniouses. I am learning so much from them, but at the same time, I am realizing just HOW little I know. I feel like I'm at the bottom of the class, but I think everyone feels like that. So I suppose that means I'm right where I should be. Which is good, in a twisted sort of way.
I adore my roommate Caitlin, she is fantastic. She is just like me, only wittier, more sarcastic, artistically talented, and she does FANTASTICALLY HILARIOUS impressions of people. All the time. I love her.
Same with my suitemate Tina. She is so crazy and adorable and gorgeous and talented. And she cares so much about Caitlin and me. It's refreshing.
And Erica is very nice and sweet and smart.
I lucked out. A lot.
Well, this entry is long enough, so I'll leave you here. Have a wonderful night...and look at the stars. And just think how lucky you are because you can see them. Because no matter how late at night it is, no matter how 'dark' the city is, I have yet to see more than 2 stars...and they are questionable. They could have been airplanes.
Enjoy! | | |
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Wow. It has been quite a journey these past 6 years. Particularly the past 4. I have learned so much about myself and life in general throughout my 4 years in high school, and I am so grateful for every one I met and befriended. I would never want to forget a single moment spent here, no matter how bad things got. I learned so many lessons from the idiotic moments, the poor decisions made, and the destructive people, as well as from the successes I had, the incredible, inspiring people I encountered along the way, and the moments that just made me feel complete. To forget any of it would be tragic. And so, I appreciate every minute of it.
It is such a bizarre feeling, sitting here, knowing that in a few short hours my life here will be no more. I will be a resident of New York City. An adult. Independent. On my own. It's a little scary, to be honest. As I've watched my friends go, one by one, onto their new lives, I've realized something. We are all in this together. I know that if any one of my friends needed help, I would be there for them in a heartbeat. And I know they would do the same for me. And that curbs my fear slightly. I have also witnessed their breakdowns prior to leaving (as well as having quite a few of my own). What will happen to me? How many of these people will I see again? Will I do anything stupid? Will I get hurt? Will I fail? Will I be able to stand on my own two feet. Will I fit in. Will I get along with my roommates. Will I ever come back. And my answer to these questions is yes. Yes to all of them. Yes you will get hurt. Yes you will fail. Yes you will see some of these people again. Yes you will do stupid things. Yes you will fit in. Yes you will come back some day. Yes you will succeed. You will. You can. I trust you.
How do I know this? I have no idea. I'm just as green as everyone else. I've never been to college. I've never left home for an extended period of time. I've never been independent. And I don't have any idea what will happen to me. However, I know that ALL of my friends are capable, competent, sociable, and perfect in their flaws. And thus, they will achieve great and wondrous things. And they will do anything they want. And they will go very far.
It saddens me to leave everyone behind. It saddens me to know that new jokes will be made with new friends in new cities under new circumstances. I want to be there for all of that. And I want everyone to be there for my new jokes. I hate the idea of leaving behind this life that I complained about for 6 years with my friends. I want to bring them with me, so I can complain about my new life with them. Not to them. I hate that. I hate how everything will switch from 'with' to 'to'. I want to talk 'with' my friends, go out 'with' my friends, and complain 'with' my friends. But they will no longer be with me. They will be starting over somewhere else, having the same problem. And thus, if I complain, they won't relate, if we talk, they won't be right there, if I go out, they won't be joining me. And thus, it all becomes 'to'.
This is probably the most depressing entry I have ever written. And I'll be honest, I started writing it three weeks ago. Because I knew I would have to edit it, fix it, reread it, and add new discoveries to it. Because it seems like this past summer I have had several epiphanies. In fact, it seems like since college has become a serious reality, I have been having more and more realizations. Every day feels like I learn a lesson at the end, or reach some conclusion. It's exhausting to learn so much ;)
I guess I should wrap this up. The main point of this entry is to say 'Thank you'. Thank you to my friends who stuck by my side through even the most emotionally wearing times. Thank you to my friends who made me laugh, even when I was upset. Thank you to my friends who let me be there for you, and make you laugh even when you were upset. Thank you to my friends who made me question everything about me and thus grow into a more recent version of myself. Thank you to my friends who accepted me without question, pointing out my flaws, and embracing me for them, rather than asking me to change. Thank you for the laughs. Thank you for the tears. Thank you for the anger. Thank you for the peace of mind. Thank you for the moments where I thought I couldn't go on because life was just too hard, but I did. Thank you for the moments where I didn't want to go on, because everything right then was so 'right'.
Thank you, you know who you are. You are incredible, will always be incredible, and always have been incredible.
Thank You.
I love each and every one of you.
Good night St. Louis. It's been a great ride.
Truth.Beauty.Freedom.Love | | |
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